Following a record-breaking season, Syracuse basketball lost its first game tonight against the Notre Dame Fighting Irish.

“We're protesting,” senior James O'Conner says. “Anyone of Irish descent is officially changing said heritage tonight.” With that, O'Conner immediately crossed off his name on his student ID to Ezekial Monora. “I really didn't know what wasn't Irish, so I thought that was safe. My brothers thought it sounded legit enough.”

With an influx of Biblical and exotic-sounding names, the student body of Syracuse is determined to offset any perceived victory of Notre Dame's.

“I'm working on trying to ban that hunchback movie from Netflix. Yknow, the one with the gypsy and the guy voiced by Mel Gibson. No Notre Dame connections for anyone, Disney included,” says junior Marcia Latitzia (formerly known as Shannon McDoyle).

“I went to Skytop to drown my sorrows and wanted to burn every bottle of Jameson and Baileys, those asshole liquor companies,” said another student. In spite of the Irish liquor going unsold, the liquor stores surrounding SU are reported to sell out of their remaining stock as the 20,000 student population binge drinks on Syracuse's first loss.