If you’re anything like me, then your sole goal/purpose in life is to go to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This may mean you spent many nights as a child (or adult, same thing) insisting to God that it’d be a totally fair trade if you were to wake up in the Gryffindor common room that he could kill your mom or something. (Would totally be a funnier joke if: a] I didn’t actually do that. b] My mother wasn’t dead. c] After she died I woke up in the Gryffindor common room.) Alas, despite my many efforts, I’ve not broken the magical barrier into platform 9 ¾ (Despite going to Kings Cross and trying it. I may have issues.) I’m sure so many of you Trojans are in the same boat, and I’m afraid the best we can do is be delusional right at home. Here’s a handy list of six ways to make magic out of reality:

1) The USC Bookstore

The first and easiest way to make yourself a part of the Harry Potter universe is just to go to the USC Bookstore. Our colo(u)rs are crimson and gold. Hel-to-the-fucking-lo… we’re Gryffs baby! Not going to lie, when I was deciding between Scripps (Green and Silver), UCLA (Blue, Yellow, and Douche), and SC, house placement was a considerable factor. (Plus, fuck Hufflepuff.) Anyway, first on the list of items to add to your wardrobe is the ever-alluring striped scarf.

That’s straight out of the fricken movie. And it’s totally worth being “that-guy-who-buys-winter-wear-while-in-Southern-California” so that you can share a private giggle and secretly feel like you’re going to a Quidditch match.

Or buy this…

I don’t know what it is. But I like it. You can scare mice.

2) Electric Doors

I think you’ll notice that some doors on campus are electric. (Congratulations on being observant./Not being blind./Sorry if you’re blind./Nevermind, you can’t read this.) This step is pretty easy. Just stand in front of an electric door and, under your breath (you don’t want people thinking you’re crazy) whisper “alohomora.” Then press the button. Voila! That shit be magic. Or electricity. (As far as I’m concerned they’re the same thing. Holy shit, I just realized how awesome electricity is. Science is so confusing.)

3) The Philosophy School

I’m going to make a bet that you’ve not gone to the Philosophy School. (Which is a reasonable assumption because Philosophy majors are so busy being productive and getting jobs that they don’t have time for frivolous things like online articles.) Do. It’s where dreams and love collide to make something way too astounding for stupid Philosophy majors. (Why am I hating so hard on Philosophers? Because those silly bitches look like this--All beardy and sticking their fingers up in vulgar manners.) And the Philosophy school looks like this. And my face looks like this. But more like this. Because I'm an ugly crier. Holy shit I just called that baby ugly. This is my going to Hell article.)

Anyway. This is the library.

It’s the Hogwarts library. And there’s no restricted section. Because we’re all adults here. Magical adults.

So yeah. Go to the philosophy school. Feel free to romp and shit. All the philosophy kids do that anyway, I think. It’s hard thinking about life and stuff, but easier when you romp. And have a beard. And are hardworking students in a noble field.

4) Gloves

Take the class Film Production 290. They require you to own leather gloves. Cross out leather on the syllabus and write cowhide. Cross out cow and write dragon. Pretend your professor is Hagrid. Ask him questions about centaurs (there are no wrong questions in art). Make all your movies about animals. Boom. You’re in Care of Magical Creatures. Case closed. #MagicIsMyAntiDrug #ButIt’llBeEasierIfYouHaveNarcotics #IfYou’reIntoThat

5) Cats

There are so many cats. Everywhere. All over the place there are stray cats. Feral cats are the breeding ground for magic. (And possibly rabies. A feral cat scratched me today and I think I have rabies.)

Proof.

I looked it up on the internet and everything.  

You have choices here:

1) Catch a cat and claim it as your own. This is the only way to gain a true Familiar. Let the cat find you. (This will be easier if you have tuna.) I did this. And now I have an apartment full of cat shit and an arm full of rabies. Living the life.

2) Give a little nod and a wink at each cat you pass. Either it’s McGonagall in disguise and she’ll think you know something, or it’s just a cat and who the fuck cares if you winked at it? It's not going to tell anybody. (Actually, some people might care. Don’t let humans see the wink.)

6) Sticks

The final step is the simplest. I have noticed that there are trees at USC. These trees drop sticks when their branches become weary with the weight of life (and birds). Pick up a stick and say “Wingardium Leviosa”—with a swish and flick. Who knows? Maybe you’ve always been magic and didn’t realize it. If a twiglet on the ground flies up at your magic touch, congratulations, this list is now unnecessary. If it does not: make sure to see that no one saw you, drop the stick in shame, and try again another day. Perhaps you’ll be magic tomorrow.

“Oh please God. Just let me go to Hogwarts. You can totally kill Mom. Oh—She’s already dead? How about that shitty/scratchy cat then? Cool. Thanks God.”

So there you have it. Six easy steps to feeling magical in the most magical University between Jefferson, Figueroa, Exposition, and Vermont. 

Don't bother with the Quidditch team though. They're just ridiculous.